Aching for Life

Over Thanksgiving Break, to celebrate Ryan's mom's 60th birthday, we rented a little house outside Kings Canyon and spent three days hiking around the most beautiful redwood forests and snow-lined hills. One of those hikes was the Little Baldy trail, a moderate trail with stunning vistas of misty mountains and fun twists into fir forests (lots of baby Christmas trees!). We worked our way up to a plateau of solid rock, and there was a family resting there. Since the view there was breathtaking, we thought we had reached the summit already, but the mom told us that the real summit was a little way further. A hiker we had passed by earlier had told us that there was a bit of icy snow near the peak, and so we decided it might be safer if Mom stayed on the plateau with Zeke while Ryan and I continued on. The view on the actual summit, as you can see from the top picture, was phenomenal, and even more beautiful than on the plateau - a panoramic view of snow-lined ridges and

According to Ryan's classmate and our pilot, this was the fastest plane available at the Palo Alto airport Back in October, Ryan arranged a fantastic date for us - flying over the Bay Area in a propeller plane!  At that time I was still really nervous driving a car (and had gone on the highway for the first time maybe a week before), but somehow I ended up in front in the co-pilot seat and I had the chance to fly the plane for about a minute. Needless to say, it was a very frightening 60 seconds for the 4 people on the plane.  Thankfully, the beauty of Golden Gate Bridge emerging from the morning mist helped us quickly transition out of that heart-in-throat moment. Here are some highlights from that gorgeous morning. There were a gazillion little buttons and controls. But I was most impressed by the communication with the traffic control tower... I had no idea what they were saying to each other with all the numbers and letters! Take off ... here we go!!! R

Today, at 27 years of age, I voted for the first time in my life. When I turned 18 in Hong Kong, I thought about voting, but got caught up with work. And so this repeated year after year over the last decade, whether I was in the US or in Hong Kong. Finally I became a registered voter this year, and, in the space and time afforded by having time off school, I made my way over to the polling station on Election Day. A part of me thinks it's not mere convenience (there MUST have been a time over the last 10 years when it wasn't logistically difficult for me to vote). I think finally I feel compelled to fulfill my civic duty because I'm now a mother, and when I look at Zeke, I realize my choices and decisions have greater weight now.  Now - we're in California, so my vote really didn't count for much, but at least I can begin a habit of living consciously and thoughtfully, in all areas of life.

Recently I've been reading this fascinating and unexpectedly uplifting book - The Scientist in the Crib .  Fascinating because of the scientific studies of babies (and the ingenious and extremely dedicated ways in which they conduct experiments), and uplifting because every wonderful discovery about babies confirm again and again that our God is good and glorious and designed us to enjoy and reflect His goodness and glory. It echoes some of the thoughts I had written about earlier . So many baby books, especially the more old-fashioned ones, portray babies as oblivious and indiscriminating. Yet the authors of the book - preeminent child psychologists - show us that even newborn infants are highly discerning. Far more than black and white graphics or rattles or rotating toys, young babies prefer the human face, the human form, and can tell the difference between various emotional expressions and act accordingly.  And the most wonderful thing of all is that even the limita

Zeke at almost 5 months, reading Guess How Much I Love You with Ryan   My days are quiet now, since we've re-nested back in Palo Alto after a summer in LA and having friends visit from Hong Kong. Zeke, now five months old, has settled into a rhythm once again and is actually napping and sleeping at night in his own crib, in his own room.  Hallelujah.  There are moments when I miss holding him close to me bed, but then I am reminded that 95% of the time, we weren't really cuddling.  It was just me desperately trying to put him back to sleep and Z doing a horizontal river dance while nursing. We are both sleeping much better. I guess what I'll actually miss the most will be staring at his sleeping face - those mornings when (somehow!) I would wake up before Zeke, and Ryan would still be dozing in bed, and I would slip out and grab the camera and take pictures of both of them. My sleeping boys. I still sometimes watch Zeke as he sleeps, but now it's largely throug

Zeke at 100 days So I've decided to try out sleep training - namely, being more on a schedule and letting Zeke cry it out for naps and bedtime rather than nursing and rocking him.  It took me a long while to decide to start for many reasons - it seemed too cruel to subject a little baby to it (although this might just be my projecting my feelings), I didn't feel confident yet as a mom, we had people staying with us that I didn't want to keep up, Zeke wasn't giving me lots of clear cues as to his sleepiness etc etc. Anyhow, at 3 1/2 months, I think Zeke has settled into a rhythm, despite my lack of guidance, and he's gaining weight well and more and more happy when he's awake. My little sister just left, and I have two days to myself in the house, so I girded myself and decided to try it tonight. Oh how my heart broke! It was half an hour - just half an hour - but half an hour! I'm not a softie, but I was close to tears as I read Zeke his bedt

I haven't made up my mind about the different baby-sleep philosophies. So far I've mostly tread the path of least resistance, both for Zeke and for me. After his first month, during which he could sleep anywhere and everywhere, he has mostly napped in the baby carrier while I ran errands and did chores during the day. At night now, he sleeps in the bassinet for the first half of the night and then in bed with us for the second after his middle-of-the-night feeds during which I inevitably fall asleep. I've started to try let him take naps in the bassinet too - starting with his last nap of the day, around 6. I'm slowly inching towards a schedule, knowing this will help structure life for everyone (but really just inching). And I'm going to try more naps in the bassinet soon. But today, while I was walking around EV with him sound asleep in the carrier, I thought about how both long and short these three months have felt - how hard it is when he is in a fit of cry

Here is a selection of my favorite moments of my boys from the past month. Sharing a laugh Homeboys Excited to cuddle Buddies with Gund bear at 10 weeks Zeke is a morning person. He laughs the most after breakfast. Zeke gets his expressive eyebrows from Ryan In July, Ryan tore his ACL and Zeke got three shots - a shot of my poor bandaged boys. Ryan got Zeke to start loving making faces at the mirror. How we have our meals now - taking turns holding Zeke!

A Child in the Night The child stares at the stars. He does not know Their names, He does not care. Time halts for him And he is standing on the earth's far rim , As all the sky surrenders it's bright show. He will not feel like this again until He falls in love. He will not be possessed By dispossession till he has caressed A face and in its eyes seen stars stand still. Elizabeth Jennings

"Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument—it is Christ’s blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul."  - Charles Spurgeon Over the last two months, because I spend most of my days in the house and because my academic obligations are on hold, my hours and minutes pass slowly - from one feeding to the next, from one diaper to the next from one nap (attempt) to the next.  I've come to judge whether a day has been "go

This is an entry written last week while I was visiting LA with Zeke. June 14, 2012 Yesterday I took a walk around the school across the street from Auntie Anna's.  The last times I had done that, I was in college, on break and carefree, or just prior to our wedding, needing a breather from people and planning. How different it was this time. In a way, I still felt alone, because Zeke needed no conversation, and he was quickly falling asleep. Yet of course I wasn't alone. And I felt at once nostalgic and thankful - nostalgic for that quiet freedom that I once constantly had as a single woman, but thankful that God was stretching me beyond that easy independence. It was the last day of school yesterday, and some kids were still there at school, playing on the slides, swinging wildly on the swing set. A family with young kids was playing baseball, shouting and laughing. I was glad I was there, a witness to the unparalleled atmosphere of freedom and antici

With a daily routine that circles around feeding, diapering and bouncing, I've collected quite a mish-mash of thoughts quickly jotted down in stolen moments. Humbled (April 29, 2012)   Mothering is very physical work, challenging but not very thrilling. Breastfeeding can be enjoyable, but most of time it's not been like the pictures in the baby books - one doesn't look like a smiling, tranquil nurturer. On hot days, your clothes are stained from milk and sweat(from two warm bellies pressed against each other!). Unless you've had time to clean yourself up in the bathroom in the morning, your hair is matted and you can taste your own stale breath (breastfeeding makes one very terribly thirsty). In this age of Facebook and blogging and Pinterest, it's still very possible for motherhood to be projected much like food, crafts, wedding and the like are on these platforms - far more interesting, aesthetically pleasing and jealousy-inducing than they are in real

I wrote this entry on April 27 on the iPad - that first week postpartum when I was still spending significant hours of the day in bed with Zeke, breastfeeding. Funny to read the first paragraph now - his perfect little head is still perfect, but at least 20% bigger. Praise God that I didn't have to push out this head! Excited for his walk last week ---- Zeke is 6 days old today. I can hardly believe that a week ago I was in labor! This perfect little head of his was pushing down on my pelvis, making me endlessly uncomfortable. But as I look back, I see - despite the pain and pressure - lots of grace along the way. So today I want to make a list of things I'm thankful for about the birth process. 1) Happening to be at the hospital.   We scheduled an ultrasound for just the right day, the right moment. We were at the hospital not too early, but also not too late. This gave me time to labor (in very relative terms) comfort at home and walking around campus. 2)

He makes these goofy faces when drifting off to sleep. Today, one month since Zeke's arrival, I ventured out to campus for the first time since giving birth (you may think I'm a good new Chinese mom for obeying the one-month rule... but actually I've been out of the house, even digging in our new garden plot). There was no particular reason except that for the first time in weeks, Zeke and I were alone at home on a weekday morning, and I felt confident enough to run some errands with him sleeping in the Moby wrap. It was a strange, delicious feeling, walking in the increasingly warm morning sun along Escondido Road. Zeke was strapped close to me and he was still, breathing his funny rumbling wheeze, his little lips apart. As I ambled along I realized that the last time I walked that route was the day before Zeke was born. It was a similarly warm and brilliantly sunny day. Just the day before I had stopped cycling - I had tried and a few seconds in, a contraction ma

We went to the hospital not knowing I was in labor on April 20, and left the building with the cutest little person (of course we think as such!)  on April 22 - the day we started dating 5 years ago.  And Zeke was born on Grandpa's birthday (April 21)... so many reasons to be sentimental about his birth. You get a one-day old for only one day.  So writes Beth Ann Fennelly to her young pregnant friend. And it's true... Zeke is already 5-days-old today... and each day has passed by like a dream - surreal, surprising, all-encompassing.  You try to look and look and look, wishing you could bottle up the sight and take it out later to savor it once more just a little while later. But even with cameras and camcorders and journals and scrapbooks, the moments continue to pass you by. So you keep looking. What a beautiful little face you have, my boy. Each day he seems to have his eyes open for longer, and his perfect little face gains a degree of roundness. His funny face

38 Weeks Yesterday we had a doctor's appointment, and found out that our boy's "engaged."  This means he's moved down in my pelvis, and he's getting ready to come out!  I felt this drop last week, and with it, came more frequent mini contractions. So now we are waiting and wondering. He could come tomorrow, he could come in two weeks. Though I am at 38 weeks and it's the right time for Baby to come, I've been asking him to stay in there a little longer, so we can enjoy this time of intense awareness - preparing for what is to come, and savoring the very different life we still have now, enjoying the moments of each day, whether it's a foot massage or a walk in the afternoon sun, basking in the silence of morning or having a quiet dinner at home, engaging in good conversation with friends and each other or getting up and slow dancing to music we've been reading/studying to. Such a precious sort of mindfulness, this waiting.  Brings to mi

36 Weeks (Full term by tomorrow!) This is my second week of being a housewife but not yet a stay-at-home mom. It suits me surprisingly well to have the quiet to think and reflect. I find myself feeling it it's not so important to freeze a dozen meals and have the "nursery" ready (in fact, it's still more a study than anything), but to take this time to pray and to give thanks. Of course, I may kick myself in a couple of weeks for not having everything perfectly ready... yet right now ticking things off a to-do list doesn't seem right - it seems like reverting to my natural wanting-to-be-in-control ways, an issue that God has been working in my heart all through this pregnancy. Of course it's wise to be prepared, to be informed, but I cannot hope to overcome fears (and how many they are! From labor pain to a lifelong commitment to motherhood!) through being busy, buying stuff, and getting organized. I have to get to the heart of things, and God has been remi

Ryan's been in Mozambique for the last week and a half. There were four days of online-correspondence-silence, and then I got an email from him, describing how he had been in the more rural areas, showering with a bucket and cup, sleeping in the tropical heat on mats on a concrete floor or under nets but still getting bitten. I savored that email, as much for the assurance it gave me that he was alive and well (though exhausted and covered in bug bites) as the wake-up call it was for me, pattering about our Stanford apartment trying to get baby things ready.  I had been spending a good few hours on Amazon looking for things like unbleached cloth diapers and foldable tubs for infants; and then with Ryan's email I was transported to a different world, where babies and adults alike live (and even thrive) without ever doing online research for purchases. I was reminded of the calling we had received in college for missions, and with it, the calling to live simply, to live clos

27 weeks 28 weeks  At one point we started taking straight-on shots too. This pictures was inspired by Kyle Gong, who, upon seeing me wear this shirt, wondered if I was really just hiding a basketball under my tummy. 30 Weeks  My belly growth really started picking up speed in March. The one on the left is taken on Mar 9. I'm wearing Lara's dress! I must say, it looks VERY different on a not-pregnant girl :) The other one was taken on Mar 10, at our (first) baby shower. 32 Weeks  I love how the stripes bring out the giant bulge. 34 Weeks  This one was taken just yesterday! I had to take my own since I didn't want to miss out on documenting the bump while Ryan's in Mozambique.