Looking unto Jesus

"Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument—it is Christ’s blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul."

 - Charles Spurgeon

Over the last two months, because I spend most of my days in the house and because my academic obligations are on hold, my hours and minutes pass slowly - from one feeding to the next, from one diaper to the next from one nap (attempt) to the next.  I've come to judge whether a day has been "good" or "bad" by tasks I get to - laundry, errands, a homecooked meal, emails  -  that don't have to do directly with meeting Zeke's needs or caring for him. And in the recent weeks I've started to find that to be not enough - I want to be doing something outside of the house - to work, or to serve at church, something.

A part of this I think comes from the right place - I want to grow my heart for God's kingdom and to prepare for missions, and I can't do it in isolation, and I can't do it without stretching myself. Another part though, I know, comes from a place of idolatry - trying to find significance, or sometimes, even mere distraction, to satisfy my soul cravings. I want to prove my standing with God by what I do, and it's hard to feel I can do it with diapers.

I've been thinking about Zeke and how he is just getting introduced to the idea of the mirror, and I'm not sure if he realizes he is seeing himself.  Yet it doesn't matter for him as a baby. What matters is that he sees and recognizes my face and Ryan's face. If he looks at us, he will know that he is deeply loved and abundantly delighted in. He doesn't need a mirror to tell him he's cute.

There is only one place where my soul can find its Rock and Refuge. I can't start with myself. I can't keep looking to my abilities, my track record, my attitudes, or my busyness.  I have to start with the person of Jesus. Then I can see what He has done. Then I can see who I am in Him. Then I can do what He calls me to do - whether it is making a loving home for Zeke and Ryan or volunteering outside the home, or being on my knees in prayer, or on my feet working.


This is the freedom that Jesus offers -  forgetfulness of self and full security in the loving Author and Perfecter of our faith.