Aching for Life

Zeke: "Me baby!" Nostalgia A few weeks ago, Ryan's mom was in town and we went to the Stanford pool to squeeze in a last swim while it was still summer hours and the afternoons were still hot. At one point I was swimming laps while Mom was watching Zeke, and as I approached the far end of the pool, Zeke's back was toward me. Something about the way he was standing - the slight angle, the relaxed stance, gave me a glimpse of what Zeke might look like in a teenage boy's body, and my heart clenched a little.  I was reminded of how fleeting his little-ness is, how unrelentingly quickly the days will fly by until he will be the one with the bigger and stronger body, until he will even more his own person than he is now. All of parenthood is nostalgia, I suppose.  How many evenings I spend now while absent-mindedly playing or reading with Zeke with half my head reminiscing over the yonder years when I had evenings and weekends open before me like blank sketch

It’s not a special occasion. Not a birthday, not an anniversary, not the beginning or end of a calendar year or school year. There is no imminent transition. Yet tonight, on the most ordinary of nights, I am taking stock the only way I know to take stock now – which is when the stars align and I have space in my head and time on my hands and – quite simply – I can. Tonight was one of the rare nights when I went to worship service alone. Ryan is in LA visiting his parents. And it’s not like we chat with each other normally during service, but somehow, by sitting alone, my head felt clear. (I guess that’s one of the clear signs that I’m an introvert.) The sermon tonight was the third in the series “The Truth About You,” and entitled “ You’re Never Really Ready .” Using Matthew 28:16-20 , our pastor talked about how Jesus called his disciples when they were incomplete (just a group of 11) and lacking in faith (“some doubted”) and gave them the Great Commission. He went on to talk

" For  children are not obligated to save up for their parents, but  parents for their children.     I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls." - 2 Corinthians 12: 14-15