Dear Zane

You are four months and one week old today, and I wish we had more time to stop and write in document your growth, the special moments you give us with your looks and smiles and kicks and eyebrow raises. I wish life could move along a little bit more slowly, so that I could soak it in more, in hopes that it would take root more deeply in my memory, so that in the pining days ahead, I could reach back and still taste and see and hear the bundle of joy you are today.

We will start sleep training most likely this week, and I wonder how the time has passed by so quickly. In a lot of ways it's because you're more easy-going than your brother and so sleep has not seemed such a hurdle and trauma to you or to your parents. In other ways it's because we've done this once before, and, like a road well-traveled, it seems that the distance is shorter, the progression faster. And of course your brother is growing and changing in ways all his own, and as much as we are mesmerized watching both of you, our time is divided.

It seems so early to be doing sleep training, but you're already four months! And 16 pounds! And one thing that gives me comfort and confidence is that you recently started to cry am protest more loudly. And so I know that even in your easy-going nature you will tell us when something's not right, and you will be able to ask for the loving care that you deserve.

I recently re-read an article written by a dying neurosurgeon. He ended it with a few words for his daughter. He tells her that she has filled his last days with a sated joy, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests. I don't know that kind of joy right now dear Zane, I guess because I am spoiled for a time. For now at least, I think we still have many more days ahead. My joy is great, but full of nostalgia. I feel sad already for my future self will not be able to hold your little round body touch those little feet, and kiss your smiling cheeks. The second time round, I am no longer naive about this: you are a baby for such a short time.

But know that my joy is sated in another way. With your brother I struggled to find my purpose each day, but God has worked in me a deeper satisfaction this time, to be faithful today. You are enough for me. And I am enough for you. Your Baba is enough for you. And God is enough for all of us. He is even big enough to cover the losses and the wrestling and the gaping during your brother's baby days, so that this redemption is not just for you but also for him.

You bring us so much joy every day just by being. And you're teaching us how God takes delight in our being his creation, in our being his. 

Love,

Mama