Aching for Life

This is an entry written last week while I was visiting LA with Zeke. June 14, 2012 Yesterday I took a walk around the school across the street from Auntie Anna's.  The last times I had done that, I was in college, on break and carefree, or just prior to our wedding, needing a breather from people and planning. How different it was this time. In a way, I still felt alone, because Zeke needed no conversation, and he was quickly falling asleep. Yet of course I wasn't alone. And I felt at once nostalgic and thankful - nostalgic for that quiet freedom that I once constantly had as a single woman, but thankful that God was stretching me beyond that easy independence. It was the last day of school yesterday, and some kids were still there at school, playing on the slides, swinging wildly on the swing set. A family with young kids was playing baseball, shouting and laughing. I was glad I was there, a witness to the unparalleled atmosphere of freedom and antici...

With a daily routine that circles around feeding, diapering and bouncing, I've collected quite a mish-mash of thoughts quickly jotted down in stolen moments. Humbled (April 29, 2012)   Mothering is very physical work, challenging but not very thrilling. Breastfeeding can be enjoyable, but most of time it's not been like the pictures in the baby books - one doesn't look like a smiling, tranquil nurturer. On hot days, your clothes are stained from milk and sweat(from two warm bellies pressed against each other!). Unless you've had time to clean yourself up in the bathroom in the morning, your hair is matted and you can taste your own stale breath (breastfeeding makes one very terribly thirsty). In this age of Facebook and blogging and Pinterest, it's still very possible for motherhood to be projected much like food, crafts, wedding and the like are on these platforms - far more interesting, aesthetically pleasing and jealousy-inducing than they are in real...

I wrote this entry on April 27 on the iPad - that first week postpartum when I was still spending significant hours of the day in bed with Zeke, breastfeeding. Funny to read the first paragraph now - his perfect little head is still perfect, but at least 20% bigger. Praise God that I didn't have to push out this head! Excited for his walk last week ---- Zeke is 6 days old today. I can hardly believe that a week ago I was in labor! This perfect little head of his was pushing down on my pelvis, making me endlessly uncomfortable. But as I look back, I see - despite the pain and pressure - lots of grace along the way. So today I want to make a list of things I'm thankful for about the birth process. 1) Happening to be at the hospital.   We scheduled an ultrasound for just the right day, the right moment. We were at the hospital not too early, but also not too late. This gave me time to labor (in very relative terms) comfort at home and walking around campus. 2)...

He makes these goofy faces when drifting off to sleep. Today, one month since Zeke's arrival, I ventured out to campus for the first time since giving birth (you may think I'm a good new Chinese mom for obeying the one-month rule... but actually I've been out of the house, even digging in our new garden plot). There was no particular reason except that for the first time in weeks, Zeke and I were alone at home on a weekday morning, and I felt confident enough to run some errands with him sleeping in the Moby wrap. It was a strange, delicious feeling, walking in the increasingly warm morning sun along Escondido Road. Zeke was strapped close to me and he was still, breathing his funny rumbling wheeze, his little lips apart. As I ambled along I realized that the last time I walked that route was the day before Zeke was born. It was a similarly warm and brilliantly sunny day. Just the day before I had stopped cycling - I had tried and a few seconds in, a contraction ma...

We went to the hospital not knowing I was in labor on April 20, and left the building with the cutest little person (of course we think as such!)  on April 22 - the day we started dating 5 years ago.  And Zeke was born on Grandpa's birthday (April 21)... so many reasons to be sentimental about his birth. You get a one-day old for only one day.  So writes Beth Ann Fennelly to her young pregnant friend. And it's true... Zeke is already 5-days-old today... and each day has passed by like a dream - surreal, surprising, all-encompassing.  You try to look and look and look, wishing you could bottle up the sight and take it out later to savor it once more just a little while later. But even with cameras and camcorders and journals and scrapbooks, the moments continue to pass you by. So you keep looking. What a beautiful little face you have, my boy. Each day he seems to have his eyes open for longer, and his perfect little face gains a degree of roundness. His...

38 Weeks Yesterday we had a doctor's appointment, and found out that our boy's "engaged."  This means he's moved down in my pelvis, and he's getting ready to come out!  I felt this drop last week, and with it, came more frequent mini contractions. So now we are waiting and wondering. He could come tomorrow, he could come in two weeks. Though I am at 38 weeks and it's the right time for Baby to come, I've been asking him to stay in there a little longer, so we can enjoy this time of intense awareness - preparing for what is to come, and savoring the very different life we still have now, enjoying the moments of each day, whether it's a foot massage or a walk in the afternoon sun, basking in the silence of morning or having a quiet dinner at home, engaging in good conversation with friends and each other or getting up and slow dancing to music we've been reading/studying to. Such a precious sort of mindfulness, this waiting.  Brings to mi...

36 Weeks (Full term by tomorrow!) This is my second week of being a housewife but not yet a stay-at-home mom. It suits me surprisingly well to have the quiet to think and reflect. I find myself feeling it it's not so important to freeze a dozen meals and have the "nursery" ready (in fact, it's still more a study than anything), but to take this time to pray and to give thanks. Of course, I may kick myself in a couple of weeks for not having everything perfectly ready... yet right now ticking things off a to-do list doesn't seem right - it seems like reverting to my natural wanting-to-be-in-control ways, an issue that God has been working in my heart all through this pregnancy. Of course it's wise to be prepared, to be informed, but I cannot hope to overcome fears (and how many they are! From labor pain to a lifelong commitment to motherhood!) through being busy, buying stuff, and getting organized. I have to get to the heart of things, and God has been remi...