One month

He makes these goofy faces when drifting off to sleep.

Today, one month since Zeke's arrival, I ventured out to campus for the first time since giving birth (you may think I'm a good new Chinese mom for obeying the one-month rule... but actually I've been out of the house, even digging in our new garden plot). There was no particular reason except that for the first time in weeks, Zeke and I were alone at home on a weekday morning, and I felt confident enough to run some errands with him sleeping in the Moby wrap.

It was a strange, delicious feeling, walking in the increasingly warm morning sun along Escondido Road. Zeke was strapped close to me and he was still, breathing his funny rumbling wheeze, his little lips apart.

As I ambled along I realized that the last time I walked that route was the day before Zeke was born. It was a similarly warm and brilliantly sunny day. Just the day before I had stopped cycling - I had tried and a few seconds in, a contraction made me realize it was a bad idea.  So there I wast hat morning, taking a walk while in labor without being aware that what I was experiencing was early labor. Every so often I had to stop and breathe through contractions, feeling incredible pressure on my pelvis and starting to want the baby to be out, despite my fear of the pain. But I still relished what I knew would be one of the last times being free and in solitude like that (though I didn't know it was the last time before Z's arrival!).

 Yet this morning, despite Z's weight (which isn't much at this point), and the awkwardness of balancing a bag on my shoulder while wrapped up in the Moby with Zeke, I was hit by how this quiet companionship of this little person - who doesn't understand what I'm saying and doesn't know to smile back at me yet - is now far more precious to me. And I knew that God in His grace is helping me to let go of the independence and freedom of non-motherhood.

It's been a month already and it's only been a month. I am still adjusting to accomplishing just one(if that) task a day (outside of taking care of baby stuff). I am still getting used to not being able to jump on the bike (or even better, hop on the MTR) and go wherever I want to do what I feel like at that moment (in fact, sometimes I have trouble moving from one side of the room to another...). I don't have much time to journal, and despite my many ideas for the blog, this is the first chance I've had to write. And like Rachel Cusk, I eagerly anticipate Zeke's naps so I can catch some sleep or relive some part of my old life - whether making food or writing an email.

Yet there are some pleasant surprises too. Breastfeeding has been mercifully pain-free so far. Z's poop, at least to me, does not smell at all. I am reading a lot more than I thought I would be (a breastfeeding pillow frees up at least one hand), so I'll probably get to the long book list that I barely made a dent in during pregnancy. Breathing in my baby's smell is one of the most comforting things in the world. And when Zeke smiles his goofy smile, all my frustration over lost sleep, poop or pee on fresh clothes, or his inexplicable crying - all of those things just melt away.

Life will never be the same again, but thank God that He doesn't overwhelm us with all full complexities and worries and responsibilities of parenthood all at once. This past month has been one day at a time, and through family coming to help, dinners from friends, and a thousand other little gifts along the way, He has shown us that His grace is enough, His mercies are new each day, and that this little boy is a reflection of His love and beauty.