Aching for Life

Recently I've been reading this fascinating and unexpectedly uplifting book - The Scientist in the Crib .  Fascinating because of the scientific studies of babies (and the ingenious and extremely dedicated ways in which they conduct experiments), and uplifting because every wonderful discovery about babies confirm again and again that our God is good and glorious and designed us to enjoy and reflect His goodness and glory. It echoes some of the thoughts I had written about earlier . So many baby books, especially the more old-fashioned ones, portray babies as oblivious and indiscriminating. Yet the authors of the book - preeminent child psychologists - show us that even newborn infants are highly discerning. Far more than black and white graphics or rattles or rotating toys, young babies prefer the human face, the human form, and can tell the difference between various emotional expressions and act accordingly.  And the most wonderful thing of all is that even the l...

Zeke at almost 5 months, reading Guess How Much I Love You with Ryan   My days are quiet now, since we've re-nested back in Palo Alto after a summer in LA and having friends visit from Hong Kong. Zeke, now five months old, has settled into a rhythm once again and is actually napping and sleeping at night in his own crib, in his own room.  Hallelujah.  There are moments when I miss holding him close to me bed, but then I am reminded that 95% of the time, we weren't really cuddling.  It was just me desperately trying to put him back to sleep and Z doing a horizontal river dance while nursing. We are both sleeping much better. I guess what I'll actually miss the most will be staring at his sleeping face - those mornings when (somehow!) I would wake up before Zeke, and Ryan would still be dozing in bed, and I would slip out and grab the camera and take pictures of both of them. My sleeping boys. I still sometimes watch Zeke as he sleeps, but now it's largely thr...

Zeke at 100 days So I've decided to try out sleep training - namely, being more on a schedule and letting Zeke cry it out for naps and bedtime rather than nursing and rocking him.  It took me a long while to decide to start for many reasons - it seemed too cruel to subject a little baby to it (although this might just be my projecting my feelings), I didn't feel confident yet as a mom, we had people staying with us that I didn't want to keep up, Zeke wasn't giving me lots of clear cues as to his sleepiness etc etc. Anyhow, at 3 1/2 months, I think Zeke has settled into a rhythm, despite my lack of guidance, and he's gaining weight well and more and more happy when he's awake. My little sister just left, and I have two days to myself in the house, so I girded myself and decided to try it tonight. Oh how my heart broke! It was half an hour - just half an hour - but half an hour! I'm not a softie, but I was close to tears as I read Zeke his bedt...

I haven't made up my mind about the different baby-sleep philosophies. So far I've mostly tread the path of least resistance, both for Zeke and for me. After his first month, during which he could sleep anywhere and everywhere, he has mostly napped in the baby carrier while I ran errands and did chores during the day. At night now, he sleeps in the bassinet for the first half of the night and then in bed with us for the second after his middle-of-the-night feeds during which I inevitably fall asleep. I've started to try let him take naps in the bassinet too - starting with his last nap of the day, around 6. I'm slowly inching towards a schedule, knowing this will help structure life for everyone (but really just inching). And I'm going to try more naps in the bassinet soon. But today, while I was walking around EV with him sound asleep in the carrier, I thought about how both long and short these three months have felt - how hard it is when he is in a fit of cry...

Here is a selection of my favorite moments of my boys from the past month. Sharing a laugh Homeboys Excited to cuddle Buddies with Gund bear at 10 weeks Zeke is a morning person. He laughs the most after breakfast. Zeke gets his expressive eyebrows from Ryan In July, Ryan tore his ACL and Zeke got three shots - a shot of my poor bandaged boys. Ryan got Zeke to start loving making faces at the mirror. How we have our meals now - taking turns holding Zeke!

A Child in the Night The child stares at the stars. He does not know Their names, He does not care. Time halts for him And he is standing on the earth's far rim , As all the sky surrenders it's bright show. He will not feel like this again until He falls in love. He will not be possessed By dispossession till he has caressed A face and in its eyes seen stars stand still. Elizabeth Jennings

"Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument—it is Christ’s blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul."  - Charles Spurgeon Over the last two months, because I spend most of my days in the house and because my academic obligations are on hold, my hours and minutes pass slowly - from one feeding to the next, from one diaper to the next from one nap (attempt) to the next.  I've come to judge whether a day has been "go...