Returning to quiet

Zeke at almost 5 months, reading Guess How Much I Love You with Ryan

 
My days are quiet now, since we've re-nested back in Palo Alto after a summer in LA and having friends visit from Hong Kong. Zeke, now five months old, has settled into a rhythm once again and is actually napping and sleeping at night in his own crib, in his own room.  Hallelujah.  There are moments when I miss holding him close to me bed, but then I am reminded that 95% of the time, we weren't really cuddling.  It was just me desperately trying to put him back to sleep and Z doing a horizontal river dance while nursing. We are both sleeping much better.

I guess what I'll actually miss the most will be staring at his sleeping face - those mornings when (somehow!) I would wake up before Zeke, and Ryan would still be dozing in bed, and I would slip out and grab the camera and take pictures of both of them. My sleeping boys. I still sometimes watch Zeke as he sleeps, but now it's largely through the video monitor.

I sometimes read in his room while he naps. This is the beauty of this season for me. For this year, I am a stay-at-home mom, with just one baby, and a small enough place that doesn't need constant cleaning. So between the dishes and the laundry and the little transcribing job I took on, I have the delicious luxury of deciding how to use my time while Zeke naps. So sometimes while Zeke sleeps (or even while he struggles to fall asleep), I sit next to the crib in the cheap-o white Ikea canvas chair we bought secondhand for $10. Now, I've sat in friends' and relatives' gliders, and they are heavenly and soft on the rear end. But I like this Ikea chair. It's just the right height, it offers good back support, and it's unobtrusive. It's fun to sit there and watch his little swaddled legs shoot straight up, peeking above the bumper, then to listen for the loud THUMP as he lets them down hard on the crib mattress. I am even, dare I say, enjoying sitting in it to feed Zeke in the middle of the night. Sometimes I'm reading a kindle book on the iPod, other times I am nodding off. And then there are times when I just caress his little head as he nurses. He's not the quiet and still kind of baby. I try to remember to cuddle him when I can.

I feel like Zeke hit a hundred little milestones these two weeks. Maybe it's just that I'm more conscious and able to see and register because there is quiet and there is space in my head now (and I am sleeping a bit more). One tooth cut through his gums one day. And then, two days later, another one, right next door. He started gnawing on his toes. He learned how to grab onto a doorknob, and opened a closet a few times (while in my arms). He has developed a new laugh, one that goes beyond a giggle. It's a long chortle, I guess. This came about one day when I was holding him and started hiccuping. He found that hilarious. He also has a new - and piercing - squeal of excitement. He moves backwards in his attempts to crawl, because he is pushing with his hands.

My favorite time with him though, remains when he coos after he's nursed. I'll hold him up, he'll be looking over past my head, out the window at the light or the trees, his eyes wide. From my vantage point, his lashes furl upwards and his cheeks bulge out and his mouth is relaxed and open.

My guess is that in a few weeks, Zeke will start crawling and life will look different again. For now, I will soak in this quiet and look look look at that beautiful face of wonder.