Heartbreak

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Zeke at 100 days
So I've decided to try out sleep training - namely, being more on a schedule and letting Zeke cry it out for naps and bedtime rather than nursing and rocking him.  It took me a long while to decide to start for many reasons - it seemed too cruel to subject a little baby to it (although this might just be my projecting my feelings), I didn't feel confident yet as a mom, we had people staying with us that I didn't want to keep up, Zeke wasn't giving me lots of clear cues as to his sleepiness etc etc.

Anyhow, at 3 1/2 months, I think Zeke has settled into a rhythm, despite my lack of guidance, and he's gaining weight well and more and more happy when he's awake. My little sister just left, and I have two days to myself in the house, so I girded myself and decided to try it tonight.

Oh how my heart broke! It was half an hour - just half an hour - but half an hour! I'm not a softie, but I was close to tears as I read Zeke his bedtime story, thinking about what would happen next. He cried HARD.  He was mad, and he worked himself up so much his swaddle was sweaty. But 30 minutes into it - magic - he fell asleep.  As I type this, he is sniffling in his sleep and my heart feels raw.

I had to keep praying throughout the day having planned to do this tonight. Lord, please give me the strength to do this thing that I know is good for him and loving towards him in the long run, allowing him to grow better and sleep better (I remember my own troubles with sleeping as a child and even then I suffered). Please hold Zeke when I can't hold him.

It's only a small kind of heartbreak, I guess, and there will be more complicated ones down the road. Oh for grace to love Zeke enough to do the hard things!


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