Aching for Life

This is an entry written last week while I was visiting LA with Zeke. June 14, 2012 Yesterday I took a walk around the school across the street from Auntie Anna's.  The last times I had done that, I was in college, on break and carefree, or just prior to our wedding, needing a breather from people and planning. How different it was this time. In a way, I still felt alone, because Zeke needed no conversation, and he was quickly falling asleep. Yet of course I wasn't alone. And I felt at once nostalgic and thankful - nostalgic for that quiet freedom that I once constantly had as a single woman, but thankful that God was stretching me beyond that easy independence. It was the last day of school yesterday, and some kids were still there at school, playing on the slides, swinging wildly on the swing set. A family with young kids was playing baseball, shouting and laughing. I was glad I was there, a witness to the unparalleled atmosphere of freedom and antici...

With a daily routine that circles around feeding, diapering and bouncing, I've collected quite a mish-mash of thoughts quickly jotted down in stolen moments. Humbled (April 29, 2012)   Mothering is very physical work, challenging but not very thrilling. Breastfeeding can be enjoyable, but most of time it's not been like the pictures in the baby books - one doesn't look like a smiling, tranquil nurturer. On hot days, your clothes are stained from milk and sweat(from two warm bellies pressed against each other!). Unless you've had time to clean yourself up in the bathroom in the morning, your hair is matted and you can taste your own stale breath (breastfeeding makes one very terribly thirsty). In this age of Facebook and blogging and Pinterest, it's still very possible for motherhood to be projected much like food, crafts, wedding and the like are on these platforms - far more interesting, aesthetically pleasing and jealousy-inducing than they are in real...

I wrote this entry on April 27 on the iPad - that first week postpartum when I was still spending significant hours of the day in bed with Zeke, breastfeeding. Funny to read the first paragraph now - his perfect little head is still perfect, but at least 20% bigger. Praise God that I didn't have to push out this head! Excited for his walk last week ---- Zeke is 6 days old today. I can hardly believe that a week ago I was in labor! This perfect little head of his was pushing down on my pelvis, making me endlessly uncomfortable. But as I look back, I see - despite the pain and pressure - lots of grace along the way. So today I want to make a list of things I'm thankful for about the birth process. 1) Happening to be at the hospital.   We scheduled an ultrasound for just the right day, the right moment. We were at the hospital not too early, but also not too late. This gave me time to labor (in very relative terms) comfort at home and walking around campus. 2)...